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Types of parts

One of the most interesting things I find about Multiplicity is its similarity to someone who is not a multiple. I refer to those of us who are not multiple as a singular. As a singular I have many different parts and flavors to my own personality. Some strong, some weak, some in need of help, some carrying baggage from the past. Programming for a multiple is like the baggage I carry. No matter the approach I take to deal with it, in the end I HAVE to get rid of it. I have to rip it out. I have to recognize that while I go through the painful memories of how the baggage was dumped on me in the end it still comes down to me ending up in a better place. Now the fun is trying to figure out all this in my big  world of redneck singularity. Now with a multiple, everything is held by a part. It never matters how many parts, personally I believe the more parts a multiple has speaks of the complexity of the individual.

A multiple’s system is very much like the same structure as a army. At the top you have a host, the first. In some systems the host will have a co-host, similar to the host but more involved and aware of the ideas and rituals of the perpetrators. They are followed by your first line of what I call “biggies” who would be your army generals. How the number of them is determined can depend on many factors, but ultimately it’s based on the jobs that were created by the perpetrators. Parts are created based on what the system needs to continue and survive. The severity of the situation creates new parts. So the systems are often compared to family trees. But more importantly is the individual biggie’s trees. When abuse is happening, like a ritual holiday, throughout the whole ritual each biggie is going to have a part in it. They will create their own group of parts to deal with their part in the ritual, and if the severity of any particular situation increases, more splits will happen. This is one way that poly-fragmented fractions happens. The first step always goes “back to find the parts”. A organised picture will start to form. Some chains of poly-fragmented parts will associate back because the original part can stand on their own in the system better then the fragments can. Associating them back relieves these parts who are really just floating around trapped in a memory. It is always important to be aware of floaters, whether they are small fragments or a large part. Every floater has the potential to flavor whoever is out. Example: Multiple is out shopping for groceries to make a special dinner,  suddenly all they can think about is buying candy = Kid floater. Same situation, but now the desire to make the dinner is gone and they feel like phoning the dinner guest and telling them to go fuck themselves = A definitely pissed off and upset floater. The host not knowing about the presence of these floaters means that their effect on the system becomes possibly a confusion between what the part that is “out” is truly feeling and what the floater is feeling.

Ultimately, IT IS ESSENTIAL THAT PARTS ARE KNOWN.

I have known some multiples that have a part for every age. Each biggie and somewhat smaller biggies will have a part that represents each year of abuse with some years being more intense then others. One part’s 4 year old may not be as big as another part’s 4 year old, and observing these little or big differences and knowing their stories will help provide useful information about the supposed “job” they had and how they interacted with the system. It’s very important to remember that your system is made up of parts that are intended to be participants within your abusers’ world. Maintaining some basic ideals will help find parts and free them of these jobs. Under every part’s “job” is an important part of personality, separated but still a working part with the host and system.

So we have our first line, which consists of the host and possible co-hosts. Next we have our second line of biggies: important parts with lots of memories and strength. With time you will figure out the third line and the forth line, and so on. The easiest way to find this is when you address the issue of core programming. Getting to a place where you can find this programming will take some time. It is very hidden, it is very buried, protected even. BUT IT’S IN YOUR HEAD! SO KICK SOME ASS! If you remember that this system is ultimately controllable by you, that you have solid parts that ultimately are being forced to act a certain way, they are carrying baggage, that once they remove the baggage they are free, and together you can do anything, then you will find it. Example: Deep within the system a pyramid is found with different layers. In the top layer the multiple finds a newborn baby part that is the host, and next to them is another baby that is the co-host. In the floor below they find a group of babies — there is seven of them, soooooo therefore you are looking for seven biggies. The next layer down is the same idea. Its finding these things within your system that give you clues to how your system works. Now of course NOBODY wants you to find these things, the point is that it is possible. If you are terrified of things like suicide programming, you will have a problem. I know multiples with over a thousand parts. Five held suicide programming, and on top of it they didn’t want it. So remember the good outweighs the bad. You can “pull” programming out of a part. In my wife’s system, she is inside, and her top two 2-year-olds whose job was knowing things (information parts) look for the POO (programming – if you call it poo to a 2 year old they totally picture it as poo). When they find someone with programming they tell the host they found it (which usually involves a lot of flapping about it being stinky) and after that the host pulls it out of the part.

So, moving on. Not every part is about holding a painful memory. Some personalities are created by the system to actually just do that, be a pain dump for other parts. Now of course in the middle of severe ritual abuse, these parts are going to be crusty and difficult. As one of my favorite drag queens would say, these parts “would cut a bitch!” and they think nothing of forcing someone else to take some pain or punishment instead of them. Because of all the shit a multiple goes through there will be parts with lots of big shitty jobs. Some people will have been in charge of killing, some sex slaves, some perpetrators etc…. The point is that we don’t care what parts did under the bullshit of abuse and the inability to have any choice! Like they say about war, what happens on the battlefield, stays on the battlefield. There will be a lot of parts with pain memories. But there will also be parts with other types of jobs. A lot of these jobs will be to serve the perpetrators. But there is an interesting note to always remember:

EVERY EVENT, EVERY FACE, EVERY NAME, EVERY PLACE………

EVERYTHING IS RECORDED INSIDE A MULTIPLE.

EVERY PIECE OF PROGRAMMING, WHAT TYPE OF PROGRAMMING. IT IS ALL THERE.

Perpetrators know this. It is why they try to block parts off from parts, put walls up inside the system, and purposely cause confusion. I am going to give you an example. If you hypnotize a anyone and tell them that there is a chicken in their head, there will be a chicken in their head. Now a logical singular will think and say “there is no fucking chicken in my head!” and then it will disappear. A multiple is a little more fun. The host (or another part) can go inside, find the chicken, transform it into one of the perpetrators and then create for themselves a shotgun and blow its fucking head off.

So let’s talk about some examples. And remember, an important job can be held by a part that is only two years old! Never underestimate the 2 year old! So some examples:

Knowledge Parts

rituals – beyond your first line “evil” parts, who would be part of the main big moments of a ritual, there will also be smaller parts, 3rd & 4th liners (think 3 or 4 levels down from the top of a pyramid) that know other parts of the ritual.

places – these parts know locations inside the system and out in the world

people – these parts know other parts inside the system and people out in the world

cues – these parts know how to cue specific parts (cueing is a hypnotic/programming tool that makes someone instantly do something)

contact info – these parts know emails and phone numbers. They’re in charge of reporting to perpetrators and responding to them.

secrets – these parts may not be wanted or even accessible to the perpetrator, but even if they are, these parts are very hidden in the system. But they are never lost — they are within you and still know information. And information of this type can be in many forms. It can be secrets about the perpetrators or secrets about things that parts have done. Parts might have done things out in the world, or to other parts in the system. Parts who were heavily programmed would have the same mindset as the perpetrators, it’s just a reality. And they would do things to other parts to get to the top of the pile, to be top dog, for some, to win a game that has no chance of winning. BUT THIS IS NOT THE PART’S FAULT.

The host of a system is a fine example of the next type of parts. The host is usually completely oblivious to any abuse going on, and along with the co-host and biggies, they have aspects of their personality that do not serve what the perpetrators want, which ultimately is complete obedience and perfect performance. So what happens is a combination of extreme programming and conditioning. Severe abuse, mental, physical, emotional and spiritual, for the purpose of cutting out pieces of the part’s personality. The important thing to know is that you can cut out something out of a part, but you cannot destroy it or remove it totally from the system. So these parts are hidden in the system. They will be battered and bruised, but once they are found, and their memories are known, and they are given a chance to express their feelings, they will become powerful helpers to the part they were cut out of. Another very important truth that is often overlooked is, you do NOT have to associate parts in order for their effects and impact to be felt. Example: when my wife found her voice part, it turned out to be a part that was originally thought to be a pain part. Being a large part, or a large fragment core of the host, naturally we thought “well they have to associate or the host won’t have her voice!” But it’s totally not true. As long as a part is not floating unknown to the host, it doesn’t matter whether they are right up the host’s ass or standing right beside them — they will be felt and have an effect. Parts will associate when they are ready, which might be never, which is usually perfectly fine as long as the system is healthy.

So let’s look at some examples of the types of parts of personality that perpetrators would want to see gone.

voice – this is obviously one of the first things that would be beat down and cut out of ALL parts.

senses – whether represented individually or combined, there is a very serious need for the multiple to not be connected with their five senses. They should see nothing, hear nothing, and feel nothing. When these parts are found the world becomes a lot sharper and richer for the multiple.

independence – making sure that a multiple is helpless, in all regards. Can’t take care of themselves, can’t make new friends, can’t socialize, can’t date. And backed up with a ton of guilt that they don’t deserve any of these things, that nobody will ever love them, that they are dirty, etc. JUST FIND THE PARTS. Remember what I said about turning perpetrators into chickens and beating them inside? Be creative, you can create an arena inside the system with dumb-looking perpetrators and give the parts an ax to get revenge and work out their emotions.

hope – another prime part that perpetrators need to get rid of at the start. I know too many multiples who found this part buried in a coffin where no one could hear them. But some fresh air, and some “new” hope added to them, they are on their way to healing.

spirituality – any sense of goodness or higher meaning outside of the perpetrators’ ideals will be cut out.

awareness – any sense of abuse happening has to be removed. Its like any ability for detail is removed.

So the perpetrators will compartmentalize a multiple and elaborately program them. One problem is that this process is exactly the same as an organ transplant. If you remove an organ from someone, you have to “beat down” the person’s immune system to stop it from “fighting” the foreign organ, so that it can be accepted into the system. This is the same idea that perpetrators use to implant their ideas. This is exactly why there is a time and place for dealing with certain emotions. In life when the shit is hitting the fan and you are in the middle of a crisis, there is no time to pause and reflect or stop and cry. You have to FIGHT! It’s a situation that truly sucks, but there are many situations in life were people are denied the chance to even try and heal, let alone survive. You have been fucked and knocked down and are trying to vomit poison, but still, YOU HAVE TO FIGHT! You need to get angry and build yourself up and rip that programming out. There will be time later to reflect and do what you need.

“Computer” parts

So a multiple’s system is HIGHLY organised. You may not see it from your perspective, but it is. So don’t worry about making lists or charts at first, instead find the parts whose jobs are to confuse you. I could spend a lot of time explaining different types of programming. There is some fabulous information available on the internet about different types of programming. Every group of perpetrators have hard core beliefs, and the systems of programming have a lot of similarity’s. We are looking at structured proofed systems that have been used for decades to create multiples. Examples of different programming systems are Monarch, ribbon, gem stones, colours, Alice in Wonderland, Wizard of Oz, and computer networks. You may find 4 or 5 or more of these types of systems in place, combined with heavy hypnosis, and use of drugs, electric shock, as well as every nightmarish torture imaginable. It will take time to find it all, but the moment you are aware of these systems you begin the process of undoing them. For the host there will be a core “computer”, call it a main frame, a part wired into everything and connected to other parts sending out programming. As you try to pull out the programming, a part will be trying to put it back in. But it’s all about knowing these facts. It’s very simple, you can walk down a dark ally if you take the time to realize you may get jumped. Awareness is everything.

Finding your parts takes time, and work, and sometimes going through a lot of pain. But I always say that finding parts is like putting together a beautiful puzzle. Every piece adds to the strength and beauty of the image you are creating. I know singulars who have gone through life and the only bad thing that ever happened was that their puppy died. Yet they are bitter, bitchy, unhappy, with addiction problems, screaming that life is hard and they just want a house, or a better car, blah, blah, blah. They are drowning in baggage that apparently is not their responsibility to deal with and it’s everyone else’s fault.

Life is about surviving, thriving and celebrating your continuing growth.

*

This is Kai, a part of Story, the wife of the author of this blog. Together we embrace and honour my multiplicity while doing the work it takes to heal. It can be hard, but if you have a strong attitude and the right perspective, it will be a journey full of joy. If you have someone who loves you, you’re set. Multiplicity is the result of physical and mental torture, but it’s not about “breaking” someone. I didn’t “break”. I became an army. You have to see your system as a tribe, a family, a community that is strong, loving, cooperative, and fierce. Teach your youngest parts to bum bounce and throw poo at perpetrators, knocking the bad guys over with just a touch, like they’re the strongest heroes ever. Get them to the point where they can LAUGH at their perpetrators. A multiple is not a victim. She is a tribe of WARRIORS. She knows how to survive anything. 

A multiple armed with confidence and determination can break through EVERYTHING the perpetrators did to her mind and heal. But healing doesn’t mean associating parts and becoming singular. Healing just means…freedom and strength. You can live the rest of your free life in a wondrous, joyful state of community with your parts, living like a tribe, working together and loving each other. In my world, the two-year-olds have a saying. They like to be free, BUM OUT! They are bursting with joy despite all the shit that happened. Yes, it was bad. But that was in the past. Now, I am free. And we are all happy.

 

 

Basic Steps to Healing MPD/DID

Time passes and the one thing I continue to find is that the formula for making a multiple is basically the same. Which is a good thing, it makes the work of providing help a little bit easier. There are some simple truths behind multiplicity that stand true. I am not saying that what I say is 100% truth, but it’s a common truth, it has some generalities in it, and if you know in your heart and gut that it doesn’t apply then chuck it and find what works for you. But a multiple is created and designed for certain purposes. The process of creating a multiple is started at a very young age, and I mean 1 hour old, sometimes younger. It involves applying specific HARSH actions repetitively to create the wanted fractures in the person. Different styles of programming are applied to organise the system. If your worry is you have chaos in your head and things are running amok, you are at the very surface of things, the very beginning of understanding your system. Your system is a precision tool designed to work perfectly under extreme circumstances and be followed up the next day by being able to go to school and look perfectly normal.

Typically being a multiple also does not just involve being abused by one parent, or maybe two. It’s more than random instances of child abuse.

Child abuse itself does not create a multiple, there’s a whole lot more and if you choose to sit and not look further into the truth , then you’re never going to get free. It’s very sad but this is typically as far as healing goes for many. If your abuse has stopped, you’re older and you want to go through life not fixing anything, then sure, things could be better but not everyone can heal, some people are just not able.

But if you do want to get to the core of things, know your truth and save yourself from the effects, well, you have to dig. You have to accept that this is going to really suck. It’s going to hurt a lot, but at least it will set you free.

So these are my basics:

  1. Many people (therapists) will tell you that you should work towards associating, integrating your parts, being one person. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?!?!?! You were basically born a multiple, it is all you have known, you freaking function better then most of the world, and being a singular is not better (trust me, add menopause to it and its just ugly). As a singular I do not want to try and start living as a multiple. What you need is the same thing as everyone: a organised system that you are in charge of. It’s like having a business that works.
  2. Many people (again therapists, because they are either cultists, trained by cultists, multiples and they don’t know it, gentle tender hearted individuals who suggest you talk about your feelings for 7 months before any therapy starts, and on occasion just not knowledgeable) (BUT if you have a good one, great!). They will tell you to not read anything triggering, to avoid heavy sections of self help books. The problem with this is, if you don’t know how to cook, and you don’t get the recipe, how are you going to make the dish? There is a lot of good information available to help. It’s going to trigger you. When you get to the spaced out point, or puking stage, you may have to take a break. But later on ask yourself why were you feeling that way. You need to know your triggers so you can conquer them.
  3. Programming. There’s a lot! And once you clean it out you deal with conditioning. Programming is put into you, by a means such as hypnotism and torture and things. Conditioning is more like the resulting reaction to a circumstance. Your boss starts yelling at you and you naturally feel like it’s all your fault. Understanding programming involves understanding what type it is, and by what group was used. There are different documented types that have been used for many decades. It’s like I said earlier: there is a formula for creating a multiple. When you know what your own formula was, you can undo it. Example: The host sees the programming in the parts she finds inside as a black stink, a tar, she then pulls it out of the part. The host is inside doing the work and someone big who can cope (sometimes 2 or 3 parts merged temporarily) is out holding down the fort. Because this is happening “inside” in the multiple’s mind, ANYTHING is possible, and obtainable. Getting the host to practice this by making things inside will help them to understand that the inside world can have talking dragons or smurfs. Keeping a balance is helpful as it gives parts a feeling and connection with the outside world.
  4. Before all this is some very simple ideas that have to be accepted, completely, or things will become messy. The host is all powerful. They have been stripped of many things and made to be very dissociative, but they are still the host, the first. Finding what has been taken is important. Things like stamina, emotions, and senses, are stored in the system somewhere. They could be in a part or a box. The effect they have on the system will be felt the most, and their ability to find and fix things will grow with each step.
  5. You cannot have internal wars. Every part had a big job, something they had to do or carry. And no matter what, the reality is, nobody ever chose anything. You do not blame alters! Everything your abusers ever said, EVERYTHING (the sky is blue, grass is green, satan is supreme) all of it is shit. They get not one atom of consideration.
  6. I think the most important thing of all is…FIND YOUR PARTS. The parts you find at first, will be significant, and it may take time to figure out why and how, but they are right at the front of the system for a reason. To protect in one regard or another. It could be to keep secrets hidden, or it could be to protect the host. But one thing I have always encountered is in every system is that there will be your main big players. They were created at the very beginning. One of them will be the leader of all the cultists’ beliefs, in other words, the big witch. So what do you do? Well you probably can’t do much to start. But if you’re working with the host to be aware and to create fun and joy inside, it will be within reach. (One multiple I knew had one good memory, she went to disney world. So she molded her inside to be just the same. Magical and fun, big fluffy beds and lots of things for parts to do. Anything is possible so be creative) The other part to this is you will find LOTS of kid parts. Some very powerful. If they are all safe, loved, listened to, they become a very powerful force. With my wife I have a herd of kids that if the shit is hitting the fan they stop it dead. They have a brilliant way of seeing things very simply.
  7. Anything and everything could have happened. I am not going to get into details. When people ask me for an example I tell them to think about the Nazis and times it by 10. It doesn’t matter what happened, it must be remembered that all of it, ALL OF IT! is shit. No one act is worse then another because the moment you try and put society’s morality on acts that fall outside of society’s laws you create exactly what they want. Guilt. If you ever thought for a second you had any choice, you are completely wrong. Severe brainwashing from birth does not leave room for choice, the only thing there is, is survival. And if you’re reading this, well you made it this far. The secret to fix it is simply finding your parts. Don’t put a number on it, it doesn’t matter, the number will go up and down. Some shard parts will merge back with others, some big parts will have hundreds of shard parts, it will with time sort itself.
  8. As for suicide and self harm programming: find the part holding it, remove it, give them some ice cream. It can be that simple if you can maintain some rationality that these thoughts are not natural. Sometimes upset adult parts need a change of perspective, so making them 2 years old, let them have some play time. Be creative!!!!! I get multiples to set up an arena inside.  Create a representation of the perpetrators so they get a chance to beat the shit out of their perpetrator, cut their head off, scream at them, get some of their emotions out. I set up another arena were younger parts can yell “no” at them, throw poo or mud. You cannot depend on doing all of this in a therapist office, for an hour, once a week. Your parts will need more.

I could write a lot more. But it really comes down to simple points. It can be done, find your parts. Respect that inside the mind, your host is all powerful. Body memories hurt, but they will pass if you have the parts that hold them. You are a LOT tougher than people want you to know. And it’s okay to have some crutches as you go through your healing. It is not wrong to take a pain killer or smoke one if you need, like everything and everyone, try to do it smart, you don’t need to add a 12 step meeting to this process, if you end up in that position just do your best to balance things.

One of the reasons I say you can heal, that anything is possible is because the stories I know about people’s abuse is so fucking over the top, so totally destructive, so extreme. And as a survivor, as a multiple, all the tools exist within you to get through it. So saying that the process of healing and becoming at peace and free of trauma is impossible is insane. The worst thing that therapy often does is treat a survivor like they are some delicate fragile broken little flower. Have your emotions, but remember to roar like a lion.

And most of all, always remember, you did not have choice. Any thought that you did is absurd.

And whoever is the fucker that started you down this path……

IT IS ALL THEIR FAULT,

FUCK FORGIVING,

It’s okay to hate them. I know very few holocaust victims who speak well of the Nazis, and nobody ever asks them to. Why the fuck should you. We so easily go through life cutting people off for simple things, and if you’re forgiving people for yourself, you need to seriously ask yourself why?

It is almost impossible to come up with a single therapy plan that will work for everyone. Each person’s individual flavors affect how you will approach things. If you find yourself stuck or in need of an opinion, ask me a question. It may help. It may not. But it never hurts to seek out new ideas.

Dear Mom……ow wait your not really my mother!

My partner is a multiple, as stated in many other posts I have some experience with this subject. It’s just what the universe handed me this lifetime so I do my best. I have a good relationship with all the parts and try to know them all. And together we encourage good healthy environments, inside and out here in the world. It’s a little fantasy inside, but if I could have more fantasy in my outer world I would totally encourage it. The kids have healthy structure and lots of different things to do to express themselves, and they have healthy rules. Bed time is still bedtime, even if they do get herded up by farting dragons, personally I could live very well with my own farting dragon, it could take the blame for a lot of my own gas problems. But as time goes on and the story becomes more filled in they feel more of a need to say things, to express out hear. They can always talk with me and they have a good therapist, but usually a few words, a bit of the story leads them to their emotions and now we are into a different situation where they need a different type of support. When some time has passed you look back and think well what was said?

As an adult in the situation, a caretaker, protector, healer and general all around pissed off individual I think people have an obligation to speak and say what can’t be said. It’s also my right to express me outrage at the continuing abuse that continues. People like to poke fingers at big evil groups and big evil societies that have been around for hundreds of years but have trouble directing their outrage at the real perpetrators. Every baby, or child abused for the most part have the same beginning experience. They were taken by a parent or both to some abusive situation. They made the choice to do this. They may have their own history and abuse issues, but all threw their lives they have chosen to try and lead a normal life and still maintain a participation of some sort in the abuse. You can’t pardon someone for excessively repeating sexual, emotional, physical abuse on a child because they themselves have been abused. The truth is anytime they started to remember something they have done ANYTHING to stuff it back down. Then of course there are those that are so fucked up that they actually think that all this stuff is ok. Well it’s not, either way. And as I think about this and my own herd of kids that I help take care of, I am thinking to myself what needs to be said…………..

Let’s pick a random name for my rancid fucked up mother-in-law…….let’s call her Lori.

Your shit hinny! And you’re not only shit but your some of the dumbest shit I have ever met. All of your supposed accomplishments with your life within this fucked up generational religious group and what have you got? Your job is hanging, you don’t own your house, you have no benefits and you probably have a ton of people really fucking mad at the fact that you screwed up on your role within this group. You’re old, crusty and breaking, and the jaw pain? Well that’s stored memory’s involving way to much cock sucking that you can’t deal with so the pain will just get worse with time. See the problem here is your small. Small and weak and stupid, and your daughter is brilliant, smart and an old soul, no stupid wall put up by a badly behaving hypnotist is going to lock down ALL of her parts, ow hell no! And on top of it, she’s not even yours! Remember your sister standing there screaming “she’s mine!” Well between that and the adoption papers, and all kinds of other fascinating memories of your sister and things she said when you weren’t there, well it’s pretty clear. 

1) You’re not her mom, but you’re defiantly a piece of crap, and now any maternal attachment is basically dead. So she hates you even more.

2) You can’t keep a man, well at least keep one interested in only you, ultimately there’s a long list of preferred choices above having to just commit to you, you probably rank somewhere above barn animal, just below hooker. Not even sure what that’s called.

It gives me great peace knowing the hole you have dug for yourself is too deep to get out of; you’re so totally fucked it’s beyond words. And parts that had to be nice to you, had to perform, had to service you……..oooooow they are not happy!!!! They remember! And they do not have a glazed look in their eyes any more. They know what you did, ALL OF THEM! And it really makes me wonder in the grand plan of you getting what you deserve, 

What’s next?

Do you know what a multiple is

Take an army.

Picture hundreds of soldiers each with their own experience, some with bad trauma, some with shock.

Picture captains tired and overwhelmed trying to direct things in the dark.

Picture a couple generals fighting and arguing about what is best.

Picture one leader not getting the information they need.

The field is foggy and mined.

You can’t see the enemy.

Now picture this.

The fog is gone, the mines are gone.

The soldiers are rested, united, healed.

The captains see clearly and are united.

The generals have stopped fighting and are united in what is best.

The leader knows all, KNOWS ALL. And is leading the charge.

They are all united, proud, ANGRY.

And they can see the enemy, they see you.

The programming is gone, the electric shock is undone, and all the other attempts to make them forget and possibly just fade to death have failed.

And its not about the random assholes, organized idiots, religious jerk-offs. Its about the home life.

None of these bastards claimed to be nice, or care. They were strangers and they were garbage.

But to those at home who claimed to be family, who claimed to care, who wanted to gather and smile and laugh after fucking with them, belittling them, cold showers when they were sick, telling them they should just kill themselves, not feeding them, and then taking out your hate on them.

Do you know what happens when a multiple knows what they are?

Well the shit defiantly hits the fan, and its no longer aimed inward.

Be Afraid

There are two women out there in this world that like to stand and smile and joke and act all sweet and interact with their friends and laugh and pretend that they have good hearts……..

Do you remember the ugly comments, the humiliation, the abuse and evil acts? Maybe you don’t, maybe you’re that fucked up. But you will, it will come, in your sleep, your waking moments, the times you try to relax but keep your minds ever busy, as you watch young ones around you, the same age as the one you abused. And it dosen’t matter if anything happened to you, because in those private moments of silence you could have said something nice, anything, but you didn’t. And when the pain came up you could have shown some support, but you didn’t. And NOTHING will ever change what you are.

You’re him, the one you had the gall to say was hurting you, and you were doing the same thing.

You’re a pedophile.

And there’s no saving you, your sick acts will live with you forever, and all the distraction in the world will not save you from the truth that you are damned forever.

I don’t have to do anything, cause there’s nothing that could be done to compare to having to live with that. Everytime the kids look at you, or your friends, it’s all a lie, the truth is, that underneath all the niceties you’re rotten like sewage inside, and slowly, painfully, it will drown you.

I walk the path next to a warrior survivor, who when the chance to fight and be free came, she ran for it.

She is strong,

she is mighty,

and she has survived all the shit thrown at her.

The lion is unchained, and out of the cage, and its claws are very sharp

and all you get to have is the feeling of…….

being afraid.

Breaking into my account

You know who you are and I have one word for you and your wormy insistence that I am not suppose to say anything:

ILLUMINATI!!!!!!!!!!

ILLUMINATI!!!!!!!!!!

ILLUMINATI!!!!!!

Take a long suck on that you crusty pair of ass licking worms, I am sure there are many people that would be upset at how much you have said and next time I will publish your name in a long article called, ” this is the face of evil, and this is were they live “

This is What Happened to Me

fabulous, reminds me of early Tori and ani difranco

Where Spirit Stops

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Me reciting the spoken word piece I wrote, This is What Happened to Me.  Trigger warnings for discussion of sexual abuse.

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Diagnosed with DID…….and

So I have recently been hearing about people diagnosed with DID and the 2000 other psychiatric diseases they apparently have. One complained about having narcolepsy as one of there problems, I have to admit I read it and then looked confused for a good ten minutes. Apparently none of the standard medication works either, this caused more confused look, and they are considering some weird kind of shock thing, lots and lots more confused look, followed up by what the fuck! Same group of people, new complaint, switching out of control, suicidal, bi-polar, autism, and depression of coarse. Suggested fix, Hearing Voices Workshop. Which is described as the workshop participants put on Walkman s and listen to mumbling voices and degrading comments such as: “You are swine” and “You disgust me.” Its being used to deal with Schizophrenia.

MORE CONFUSED LOOK WITH A HINT OF AMAZEMENT AND BEWILDERMENT

Do any of these lunatics know what DID is? Never in my life have I ever heard of a competent therapist or doctor recommending to a multiple something like this cause it would trigger the fuck hell right out of them. I admit I don’t know what all these new DID diagnoses are, I don’t care what they are, when I talk about DID or MPD, I’m talking about Ritual Abuse. And anyone who knows what RA is would never subject there inner world to mumbling voices saying degrading comments. THEY ALREADY HAVE THAT PLAYING INSIDE!!!! and if you find the source you can turn it off.

You feal disconnected, you keep falling asleep, well if you didn’t how possibly would you be able to switch and be abused. DID has all kinds of physical symptoms, but treat the DID not the symptoms. If you need some Valium or a joint to get through the fix, hell go for it. But psychiatric drugs that don’t work should be a sign, the problem is inside your system, and you can find it and fix it.

Why is DID not enough? I got bit by a tick and got Lyme disease, it got a whole lot of fucked up symptoms, I defiantly don’t NEED more diagnoses on top of it, thank you very much, the one is plenty, and depressed? Well yeah I am at times I got a painful disease that nobody in Canada treats, but I don’t medicate it, I cope, I have to, how the fuck am I going to get through life if I don’t. And yeah it sucks and life isn’t fair…..ow well, it can be better though and I don’t need a bunch of labels to have a better life. They say time fixes all wounds, and you can recover from DID and the abuse you endured, and that alone should be your driving force. Try living with something that no can’t be fixed, will get worse, and is ignored, but still thrive.

I’m going to recommend two books: Chrystine Oksana’s  Safe Passage to Healing and Margaret Smith’s Ritual Abuse: What it is, Why it happens, and How to help.

The first one is a Courage to Heal style book that has been around for decades now, it explains the workings of DID and offers help. The second provides some very clear understanding of what RA is, and how it effects people.

My wife has had every diagnoses that can be had in the psychiatric world, every one of them is bullshit. Everyone of them was a reaction to DID. A reaction to dissociation. If you have DID and were abused, the abuse causes the problems, and yes its that simple. MANY, many many multiples later, and when they finally accepted that they were abused and had the whole story the psychiatric like symptoms went away.

When its all done, you have the whole story, found all your parts, accepted the truth and still think you need your Lithium, then fine go for it. But when you have been stabbed with a knife, its probably not the best answer to stand around worrying about the strange feeling of lightheadness going on, cause seriously you have a knife in you and the bleeding out is the issue, which can be fixed by getting the knife out and sewn up!

 

 

 

Search and rescue

We started last Febuary with one purpose and one thought:

1) Find all the parts

2) Its all his fault.

How do you possibly feal shame and guilt when you were 2, 1, 6 months……younger and being violated, molded to shut up and be controlled and abused. Guilty for what? And then it continues, and your 5, 6, 9, 12, 15 and on. Have you ever felt great anger about something or sadness cause you thought something happened and then found out that it was not true? You thought a friend was talking about you negatively and you feal betrayed and angry and sad, then the person who told you this says, ow sorry I got it mixxed up it was this other person. What do you do? You let it go, you feal relief and let it go. So spending time in therapy working through guilt and shame over being body and mind fucked with as a kid is fucking ridicoulous. There’s one logic, its the poerpatrators fault be angry. If you hang on to “why did this happen to me, I’m so sad” well your going to get no were. Shit happens, SHIT HAPPENS! Some people’s storys are worse then others but there is no answer to this question. You like everyone else have a pile of shit to deal with and you either choose to do it, to be a survivor and thrive or stay a victim. IT SUCKS, IT SUCKS SUPER SHIT!!!! that we get hurt and have to be the ones to do WORK and fix all this and it is shit that was dumped on us. Always hold on to the fact that somewere out there is the tools to do it. There are people that don’t have these tools, their shit can’t be fixed, but still they thrive.